What you don't see

On resilience and the lack of understanding around stress and burnout

Recently, someone told me she finds it hard to understand why some people, after a setback, can no longer find the courage, strength or energy to pick their life back up.

A day later, someone else told me she experiences her resilience as a real blessing. After yet another blow, she gets herself moving again, but she also knows when to slow down and recharge, and she sees the risks of always just carrying on.

I understood them both. The first conversation left me feeling a little worried and sad, mostly because of the lack of understanding. At the same time, I was grateful that the conversation could take place. The second conversation was enriching: knowing when to take a break and recharge. But not everyone knows when to do so.

In my conversations with clients, I hear how much pain there is behind that lack of understanding. They no longer understand themselves. They want to, but they can't manage it, and they don't understand what is happening to them. Sometimes they also feel that the people around them don't understand either. And that suffering is often invisible. From the outside, you see someone who has simply become a little quieter, or more often absent.

I recognise that feeling. Early in my career, I was off work myself for about eight weeks because of stress and overload, and I still remember the helplessness I felt: wanting to, but not being able to, and barely being able to explain it. And the lack of understanding I felt back then, from others and from myself.

Not everyone starts with the same resilience

What I have seen more clearly in recent years is that resilience isn't something you choose. We aren't all born with the same stress system. Some people react more sensitively than others, and that says nothing about character or willpower. On top of that comes who you have become: how you handle pressure, whether you are a perfectionist, how quickly you set yourself aside for others. You can strengthen your resilience, but your starting point isn't the same for everyone.

And then there is your story. What you have already been through, who was there for you when things got hard, how you learned as a child to deal with tension. Everyone's path to adulthood looks different. If you then add a period of loss, work pressure, money worries or long-term stress on top of that, it all depends on what you are already carrying in your backpack.

That is why recovery is rarely a personal achievement. And that is why "just keep going" means something very different to one person than to another.

When there is nothing left

When people are truly exhausted, it can sometimes look from the outside as if they don't want to. But often there is literally no energy left. Their body and mind are in a kind of protective mode. Everything narrows: their view, their motivation, their confidence. That isn't unwillingness. That is someone who is running on empty.

The other side

I also understand the frustration of people who do keep going, despite everything. They often absorb the work of colleagues who drop out, on top of what they already carry. That is heavy, and that tiredness is valid.

I won't shy away from this either: it does happen that someone abuses the rules. That makes it even harder for outsiders to see who is truly stuck. But it changes nothing for the large group of people who truly can't go on and are struggling hard to get moving again.

I also don't think I have a simple answer to this. If it were easy, we would have solved it long ago. My own opinion isn't black and white, and I hope yours doesn't have to be either.

Why I want to talk about this

I value that conversations like these can take place openly and without judgement. That is where understanding begins. If we dare to talk about dropping out, recovery, how much each of us can carry, and the lack of understanding around it, then it becomes a little less of a taboo, and a little less something to be ashamed of. I hope I can keep doing that, with people and with organisations.

If I may offer you one thing: look at yourself, and at the other person, with a little gentleness. And stay curious. What might this person have been through that I don't see?

How do you experience this, in yourself or in the people around you?

Are you getting stuck yourself, or do you notice it in someone on your team? I'm happy to think along with you. Feel free to get in touch.